{How To} Break Up

       I consider myself a friendly person. I didn't used to be, but I figured out that being a friend is much easier and much more efficient than just wishing somebody else would come and be your friend. These days, I have friends, I like my friends, and I maintain my friendships to the best of my ability. Friendships and relationships are incredibly valuable to me, and I'm not one to just toss someone aside because "it's Tuesday and I decided that I don't like you on Tuesdays." However, I'll be the first to confess that my personality is not always compatible with every single person I get to know. Occasionally the friendship will just fade away and both parties are content with moving on, but other times the situation gets so bad that confrontation is an unfortunate necessity. Therefore, though this kid was always known to avoid any sort of social conflict, I've faced the near-impossible task of removing unhealthy individuals from my close personal life.

       No, my dear skeptics, I most certainly do not consider myself an expert. But if you happen to be dealing with tough circumstances involving a family member, friend, or "significant other," you are more than welcome to borrow what I've learned from my experiences. It's no secret. Breaking up is hard to do!

The Wilson-Hewitt Family

{THE WHOLE FAMDAMILY}

There are many different categories in which your family troubles may fall. I am enormously blessed to have such a beautiful blended family, despite our heaping share of trials. This will be short and sweet, though I could relate for days about how to remove and repair relationships. Plus, everyone has entirely different situations. That said, most fixes can be applicable nearly anywhere.

An obnoxious or critical distant relative: Stick it out until you can get away from them. At a family reunion, stay out of their line of sight and fly under the radar. If you're staying with them for a short time, find other things to keep you occupied besides spending time in their company. If you're with them for a more extended period, adapt for the time being while you find a way out. You'll find one. After that, you don't have to deal with this person anymore!

A troublesome sibling: If you live together, resolve the issue. Communicate and speak to one another. Try being the bigger person, even when you're victimized. Give each other some space for awhile, and then work it out.

A parent: The main role of a parent is to ensure the safety and well-being of the child. If the parent is not doing this job properly, thoroughly, or at all, there is a problem. Child, discuss this honestly with your parent. If you can't, consider talking to an adult whom you trust and you know will actually listen to you. The intention of this is not just to complain, but to help yourself and your family. I promise, you're in that family for a reason.

Two of my very best friends, Brittnie and Hannah.
Thank goodness the three of us are drama-free!

{A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED}

It's a proven fact that your group of friends will change as you age. You may have a few best friends from your childhood throughout your entire life, in which case you are marvelously lucky! But I personally think it's perfectly normal and, as a matter of fact, important to move forward from a poisonous friendship. In the past I've had a few extremely close girlfriends who I needed to part with because we were no longer positive influences in each others' lives. At the time it was painful and sad, but we followed our own directions, made great new friends, and continued on as better people. Here's what to do if you're stuck in a toxic friendship:

1. Consider the reasons why you feel you need to part with this person. Does she continually hurt you? Are you constantly at odds in competition with one another? Are both of you growing apart, while only one of you is still trying to hold on? All are valid and understandable. But if she just got a chocolate stain on your favorite shirt, chances are you can work something out.

2. Inform her fully of the things that have caused problems in your friendship. Let her know why you feel the way you do, and remember to be kind and level about it. Don't just go crazy and start screaming and pulling her hair out.

3. Tell her you'd like to take some time to figure things out for yourself. Time spent apart is probably my #1 rule in breakups.

4. Don't you dare get on Facebook to tell the world about it. That's snarky and ridiculous, and you'll only be making yourself look like a drama queen. Keep it on the down low. If you go to school or work together or hang out with the same group of friends, continue to be civil toward her, even if she ignores you. But don't make a commotion, or it will absolutely come back to bite you.

{AND THEY CALL IT PUPPY LOVE}

Oh, boy, have I made some stupid choices regarding the male species. I've always been the sort of girl to have kindergarten crushes - you know, the kind where every glance and smile gives you butterflies for a few weeks, and then you either decide you're in love or you find somebody else to creep on - but since the end of middle school I realized I was much more bold about my interests. That definitely got me into trouble when I first began to, ahem, flirt. I remember distinctly when two of my best guy friends were hanging out and they both texted me at the same time asking why I "play guys like a deck of cards." I was so embarrassed! It hadn't even registered that I was hopelessly leading them both on, not seeing that they both liked me. After apologizing profusely and cutting back on however-the-heck-it-was-that-I-got-attention-in-the-first-place, our friendship survived and I was more careful with my affections. But you listen to me! Having a lot of crushes at a time is a really good thing! It keeps you from going too far with one person, especially during and before high school. Be a friend to all and go ahead, think every single one is cute, but don't lead them on. You'll have issues, I guarantee it.

A dearest friend of mine, Max. Glad we never dated.
Who could break up with a picture perfect face like that?

Alright, so you found somebody that got you all jittery and giggly and you two decided to date. Things got pretty serious, and you came to a mutual agreement that you should be exclusive. But guess what? You aren't happy anymore. This isn't the right person for you. And heck, maybe it is! But maybe not right now. Maybe she's leaving for college or he's going on a mission. It's possible to take some downtime. If you're positive he is not the one, but you're not sure how to tell him in a nice way, follow my advice. In my opinion and experience, this method is quite effective. It's similar in some ways to breaking up with a friend, but generally much more emotionally stressful.

1. Figure out why you're making this decision. If you're reading this with true worry about how to handle things, the two of you probably aren't in agreement about the necessity for a breakup. But the person who wants out has the right to freedom. Perhaps s/he's abusive - which, in any of even the slightest forms, requires immediate escape action. I'm not kidding, either. Get out now - or perhaps you want to be free to date whomever you choose, or perhaps you aren't comfortable with the development of your relationship. There could be any number of reasons. Just be sure of your motives. Write them down.

2. Set a time limit for The Conversation. I'd give it ten minutes at most. If you talk for hours, you're going to wind up rehashing all your old issues repeatedly, and you'll end up getting nowhere near your goal.

3. Call him or her. That is not heartless or cold. Here's why:

a) You have a 67% less chance of being manipulated or confused.

b) You can get your priorities straight and say what you need to say without interruption.

c) If there's any possibility of violence, you're a whole lot safer on the phone.

d) You can't see his/her face. Trust me, that face can be the biggest determining factor on whether or not you are successful in this endeavor. I look four times prettier when I cry.

e) If things go downhill quickly, your escape route is the red button on the phone. No messy departures.

f) It's more personal than an email or text message (don't even ask me about social media, stupid), but not so personal that it's a slap to the face.

4. Once s/he has picked up, offer polite salutations, take a deep breath, and then state your mission for calling. Tell this person that you have some things you must get off your shoulders without any interruption, after which you are more than happy to answer questions until the five or ten minutes you have set is up.

5. Carry this forward. State your thoughts clearly and in well-organized fashion, and enforce the no-interruptions rule. Answer questions thoroughly and straightforwardly. If it turns sarcastic or caustic, tactfully ignore it.

6. This is crucial: ask for complete separation for at least two weeks. I prefer a month. Let him or her know that in order to get your lives back in order, you both need time on your own. S/he might tell you that they don't need to figure anything out, but the truth is that if you have been in a committed relationship, you have become intertwined and the recuperation process after being separated is difficult. You each need to relearn who you are as an individual, and this cannot be done if you are still in contact with one another. If this rule is broken, add more time. It sounds harsh, but I believe it to be necessary.

7. Once your Conversation's time limit has been reached, thank him/her for listening and offer sincere good wishes to them. If s/he cannot answer appropriately, finish your sendoff anyway and then hang up the phone.

8. Reread your page(s) stating why you made this choice. Trust yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing something so hard, and promise yourself to hold firm. The weeks ahead will be long, but you have the guts in you to make it through.

9. Delete your ex's contact information. If s/he tries to contact you, don't allow it. If it's a persistent bombardment, calmly respond by reminding them of your simple conditions. If you need to extend the separation period, do so.

10. Spend some time on your own. Find out what it is you love to do by yourself. What are your talents? What are your hobbies? Who are your true friends? When I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, I was initially terrified because I recognized that I had abandoned all my best friends and even my family for this young man. He fought me for some time until finally he sat back and took a good look at everything, after which he found peace and went on his mission. It took me a while to jigsaw together the remains of my life and reestablish myself as an individual, but eventually I did and had the most excellent senior year a kid could ask for. It was worth it.

      Stay strong. People may come and go, but you must always be true to yourself through thick and thin. Be confident in your unique soul and always seek to be a friend first and foremost. You will come out on top!

Choose good friends, like these ones here

Happy staying true!